Leaving

“Leave your country and your father’s household; go to the land I will show you. I will make you a blessing. [Abraham] departed.”  Genesis 12:1, 4

I sense my time will be short at my current church. As I continue to pray, it seems this church is moving in a different direction.

How does one leave a place? God spoke to Abraham to leave everything to realize God’s blessing. The 75-year-old Abraham left trusting God in faith.

In the book of Ruth, Naomi left in desperation after losing her husband and both married sons. With no one in this foreign country to provide for her needs, her only option was to return to her homeland. Daughter-in-law Ruth responded in faith to Naomi’s God and moved with Naomi to see what God would do. Eventually, Ruth married Boaz and became the ancestor of Messiah.

Jonah ran away from God’s clear instructions. A whale of an experience grabbed Jonah’s attention and sent him back to obey God’s original message. His obedience came with gritted teeth and bitterness at the positive outcome. It’s amazing that God used Jonah’s reluctance to offer His grace and forgiveness to Nineveh. Despite Jonah’s attitude, the Ninevites believe the prophet’s message and repent.

My husband and I believe God is asking us to leave this church and go to a new place, to be revealed as we respond in faith. There’s a hint our faith will be expanded to see God do more.

Still the question remains, how do we leave? I don’t want to leave out of desperation, like Naomi. I don’t want to run away in bitterness, like Jonah. I would like to leave, like Abraham, feeling blessed and blessing the church as we move on.

CLOSING THOUGHTS

God is challenging my faith to trust the outcome to God, to believe God will provide supportive community, and to believe ministry opportunities will abound.

(Written in March 2012)

PS   Jim resigned from the church board May 15, 2012. This decision was not easy and at times rather painful. But, we are experiencing freedom as we explore the wider Christian community from Lutheran, to Episcopal, to a Taize service at Westminster Presbyterian.

Be Content Not to See

Let God do his work.
Let him lead you, as he will.
He needs only your consent.

Be content not to see
and put aside your need to know.

Accept that someone is moving
lovingly within you,
even if you do not yet recognize
that it is God at work.

--The Cloud of Unknowing

Recently, I felt isolated, discouraged and discarded – by my church. I did not understand why things were changing or why I was feeling bewildered. During an experience of Centering Prayer, my focus was drawn to one line in the Lectio reading that day – “Be content not to see”. I felt that God was asking me to find contentment in God instead of needing to know and understand.

As I continued to pray, I kept asking God to transform contentment in me, because I knew I could not do that with my own efforts. On another morning, while praying, I saw my life as a candle that was barely burning, starting to smolder. I sensed Jesus’ presence tending to my flame to help it burn clean and bright once again. I recalled the verse from Isaiah 42:3, “A bruised reed he will not break, and a smoldering wick he will not snuff out…” 

How like the gentle Shepherd to come to me at my lowest point. As I studied the Isaiah passage, I was led to other verses of comfort: 

Isaiah 40:11 “…he will carry the lambs in his arms, holding them close to his heart”

Psalm 147:3 “He heals the brokenhearted, binding up their wounds”

Matthew 11:28-30 “Come to me, all you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke fits perfectly, and the burden I give you is light.”

After these messages from God’s word, I no longer felt isolated. God knew my situation and God was with me offering the comfort of His reassuring presence. With hope restored, God will enable my light to shine bright once again.

CHALLENGE

Has life left you weary, burdened and feeling bruised? Find hope in Isaiah’s prophecy of Messiah’s gentleness with the broken. Find help with your weariness by accepting Jesus Christ’s rest.

Revealed In The Fog

It was our first day on the North Shore of Minnesota’s side of Lake Superior. We drove up in intermittent fog yesterday and this morning dawned with fog. I can hear the lake lapping at the shore but I cannot see very much beyond a few rocks in the water below. I tried to snap a photo only to find that my camera lens seems to have moisture spots marring the photo, making it hard to decipher the image. Reminded me of this scripture verse:

1 Cor. 13:12 NLT

Now we see things imperfectly as in a poor mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God knows me now.

So much of following Christ is a walk by faith and not by sight. I’m trusting that the sun will come out on this vacation day and burn away the fog so that I can see more of Lake Superior to revel in God’s beautiful creation.

In daily life we don’t always get to see the whole picture; only what is right in front of us. After one comes through a time of struggle, then you can appreciate not having seen beforehand all that would happen to you.

Right now, I believe that God has given me a vision for Jim and Donna’s future that means a move to downsize to a town home so that we can conserve our time and energy to be able to continue working for another ten years, Lord willing. It’s a little scary because of our financial situation. I wonder how God will work a miracle. I wonder what little steps along the way will lead us to the final end:  settled into a town home, ready for the next years of our life. Indeed, I feel a dense fog obscure the pathway and I need to follow by faith as God takes my hand through this next maze of twists and turns as the fog may thicken before we will see the light at the end of the tunnel. We will need faith, courage and strength to persist to the end.

I never thought I would get to this point of feeling ready to leave our lovely Golden Lake home. We have enjoyed so many wonderful years there since building it in 1983, and have shared it with many people who have been blessed by God’s goodness to us.

Our next home will be shared as well through our gift of hospitality, no matter how humble. It will be God’s goodness to us in the land of the living meant to be shared, giving the glory to God.

CHALLENGE:

Minnesota’s North Shore of Lake Superior is my favorite retreat spot. I sense God’s presence there in the beauty of the landscape. He has gently revealed many lessons as I slow down to take time to listen. When was the last time you took time for a retreat? Perhaps the “fog” of your circumstance is telling you to slow down and listen before moving ahead in faith. 

(Written on our Labor Day vacation 2011)

Prayer of Examen for my Aging Angst

This prayer helped me focus on the positives of my aging experience. I found gratitude in the following:

-        - I no longer feel the need to have a “career” when a job will do. Thank you.

-        - I no longer have the energy or the need for things to be “perfect”. Hallelujah!

-        - I no longer need to do a task by myself when it is better to share tasks with others.

-        - I no longer need to always find something to do; it is okay to sit and play or read for pleasure.

-        - I no longer need to go at life with a frantic pace; a slower pace helps me enjoy life and the tasks are easier to complete.

-        - I no longer need to work hour-after-hour and day-after-day looking for a job; I’m trusting God to bring the opportunities to me, and He did in due time.

-        - I no longer consider a nap a waste of time. Hallelujah!

-        - I am learning to center on Christ with the help of the glorious nature in my yard and the view out my window of Golden Lake.

CHALLENGE:

My friend Anne has cancer and she has maintained a daily journal on the Caring Bridge website. All her friends find much encouragement from the daily blessings she finds in her “new normal” of living with cancer. She delights in the smallest thing, be it a blooming plant or a visit from a friend’s dog or making a meal. She also finds pleasure in accomplishing various tasks as she continues to work at her job as a librarian, despite frequent naps to revive her energy and despite the accomplishment taking longer to complete than before cancer. From her story, I feel her energy expands because daily she sees many blessings to count before God.

Consider the song lyric:  “Count your many blessings, name them one by one.” Ask God to help you see the blessings hidden behind your current struggle.

The Prayer of Examen

This writing is about my experience with the Prayer of Examen. First, I will give you a little background about this contemplative prayer practice. 

The Prayer of Examen is typically credited to St. Ignatius of Loyola [1491-1556]. This young man encouraged fellow followers to engage in the practice for developing a deeper level of spiritual sensitivity and for recognizing and receiving the assistance of the Holy Spirit.

An Outline of the Examen
from The Examen Prayer by Timothy M. Gallagher

Transition:  I become aware of the love with which God looks upon me as I begin this examen.
Step One:  Gratitude.  I note the gifts God’s love has given me this day, and I give thanks to God for them.
Step Two:  Petition. I ask God for an insight and a strength that will make this examen a work of grace, fruitful beyond my human capacity alone.
Step Three:  Review.  With my God, I review the day. I look for the stirrings in my heart and the thoughts that God has given me this day. I look also for those that have not been of God. I review my responses to both and throughout the day in general.
Step Four:  Forgiveness. I ask for the healing touch of the forgiving God who, with love and respect for me, removes my heart’s burdens.
Step Five:  Renewal. I look to the following day and, with God, plan concretely how to live it in accord with God’s loving desire for my life.
Transition:  Aware of God’s presence with me, I prayerfully conclude the examen.

Six Questions to use as a guide to experiencing this prayer practice:
(Find a quiet spot and choose one or more of these questions, and journal what you discover.)
How has God been present in your day?
How did God speak to you today?
Do you feel you were resisting God today?
How do you feel you were cooperating most fully with God?
In what ways do you believe God may be calling you to a new awareness?
What needs healing in your life?

A Testimonial:  Some years ago this prayer enabled me to recognize God’s love in my daily life as I practiced it for several months. I was instructed to ask myself the question:  Where did I experience goodness or God in my day?  A companion question:  Where did I experience the lack of goodness or the lack of God’s presence? I kept a journal while giving myself permission to combine several days in one examen.

Using this exercise over a period of time was crucial to me experiencing that God was always with me. It took my biblical knowledge about God’s love and presence to a very personal felt level for me. Because of the positive impact of this long-ago experience, I decided to use the prayer against the angst I have felt about my experience of aging.

Come back next week to read my synopsis:  Prayer of Examen for my Aging Angst.

DESIRE: Mine - God's

During the summer of 2008 my desire was to find a new job with a much shorter commute. But God had put other plans in motion for open-heart surgery to replace my aortic valve on September 25, 2008. As I recovered at home, I was able to continue working via the internet until my job was eliminated December 31, 2008. I was unemployed!

By April 2009, I started working as a caregiver with Home Instead Senior Care. I was elated that God answered the desire of my heart for a job. Very soon it became evident this job would not provide enough hours or pay to satisfy our financial needs. However, God’s desire was that I might grow in compassion and expand my listening skills as I served these seniors. I enjoyed hearing their stories as I drove them to various appointments or cared for them in their home. While I worked at Home Instead until November 2010, I continued to look for a part-time office position.

By this time the economy was in a deep recession with escalating unemployment. I sent out many resumes for jobs that looked like a good fit for me only to learn that my resume was one of 300-500 applications. No interviews. 

What was God’s desire for me? Our financial situation needed an extra boost from me working 15-20 hours a week. My desire was for an office position with a social service, charitable or ministry focus. God’s desire was to build my character through perseverance in the face of mounting job rejections.

Romans 5:2b-5 (NIV1984) “And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God.  Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.”

I started to question if I should retire and trust God to provide for our needs. I suspected age-discrimination with the few interviews I managed to snag through learning to revise my resume to match a specific job description. I lowered my expectations as to wage and applied for seasonal retail employment, but I was only invited for one interview out of a dozen applications. No job offers and discouraging news reports of minimal seasonal jobs.

God’s desire was that I experience hope. It came through writing the devotional on Abraham’s long-realized desire for God’s promised child when he and Sarah were well past child-bearing age [posted 4/13/12]. God did the impossible for them in their old age, after waiting ten years for the reality of a baby. In that waiting time they kept faithfully serving and following God.

How was I to follow God? I took some time off from the job search. With my hope renewed I decided to volunteer through my school district’s Adult Basic Education. I volunteered in the computer lab helping advanced ESL students gain skills on the computer for future jobs and/or college. I learned about MSOffice 2010 which would come in handy at a new job. From here I volunteered to mentor a young man who was struggling with Reading and Writing towards his goal of earning the GED. I enjoyed helping him learn how to read and was delighted when he told me about checking out a library book; he excitedly told me and the teacher what he learned from the book about wind energy. He passed the Reading test! Next we tackled the writing, another love of mine. He would get discouraged at the long, slow process so I kept noting to him little points of progress along the way as did his teacher. I attended his graduation and listened with pride as he presented his speech giving glory to God and thanking all of us who helped him. What a delightful young man who was so appreciative that I would attend his graduation. God used these opportunities to bolster my confidence towards finding a job.

Between volunteering, I worked June and July 2010 with the US Census Bureau as a Numerator. It was encouraging to earn some money doing this important task of making sure everyone is counted. I met a variety of people while trying to fill out the census reports. Again, God was expanding my people skills.

Then one day I noticed an ad in the local Press publication for a job at Christos Center in Lino Lakes. I got excited as I remembered attending classes and events sponsored through Christos. This job would match my desire to use my skills and gifts in a ministry setting in a place whose mission I could wholeheartedly support. I applied, interviewed and waited once again. Would it be another rejection or would it be a job offer?

God’s clear desire for me was to pray for all of the applicants. Only one of us would receive the job offer while the remainder would be rejected. I asked God to help all of us accept God’s Sovereign will in the hiring decision. I prayed for the Christos’ leadership as they completed the interview process making their decision based on God’s leading. God was working in my life as I had not prayed like this after any previous interviews. I even sent a thank-you-for-the-interview letter stating how I was praying for the decision process and for each of the applicants.

The phone rang six days after my interview with a job offer. I accepted. I hung up the phone and began to yell and dance my excitement around the house. Then I called my husband’s cell phone and proceeded to scream a voice message that he couldn’t understand but assumed I got the job.

This scripture came alive for me that day in October 2010:

              Psalm 37:4 (NIV1984)  “Delight yourself in the Lord
                and he will give you the desires of your heart.” 

 

My job as Administrator at Christos Center for Spiritual Formation has continued to be God’s excellent provision and a match for the desires of my heart. What a delight and a privilege to be working in a place of ministry where I can serve our clientele while continuing to develop a deeper relationship with God as I avail myself of the many classes and events sponsored through Christos.

 

The God of the impossible made my desires a reality. How beautiful that God would match His desires for my life with my desires. 

 

REFLECTION:

During my two-year job search I did a lot of grumbling, whining, weeping, complaining and doubting that I would ever find a permanent job. I did not do it perfectly but I kept going back to God and listening for next steps. God guided and brought people alongside for encouragement and support, help with my resume, and suggestions to volunteer.

 

What is your experience with waiting and desire?

 

Where have you seen God matching your desires with His desires for your life?